Sorry I’m the way I am. I want so much to be better, to not have to frustratedly think or say these things about myself. This is not some self-pitying sniveling session; I really just wish I could be an improved version of myself, in so many ways. It’s hard, ‘cause I’ve had it easy for so (too?) long.
I know that fair well, and often I try not to think about it but that day in the career counsellor’s office I was suddenly reminded of it upon feeling the inner uncertainty of how to sort my own affairs out independently. Like how I want to work after A’s, for the experience, but can hardly envision myself actively seeking out employment whether as a part timer somewhere or a tuition teacher, or even going to volunteer my help for worthy causes, something I’ve wanted to do and will be able to finally, after so many years of just having to happily devote myself to activities largely planned for me by others.
...I need to be more bold and less dependent and more hungry, hungry for personal growth and self-directed achievements.
I have already pretty much reached the goal of frequently reminding myself to be thankful for all that has been unreasonably bestowed upon me (and by unreasonably I mean the nature which accounts for the many circumstances that led to where I stand today, which could perhaps crudely be put down to the fact that I was born as me and okay actually it goes much earlier before that, involving other people being born and how some facts of the universe just are etc. and okay I really don’t wanna go on an endless discussion of this since that is not the point of today's post), though I admittedly still need to work on the attitude 'cause I sometimes still find myself inwardly complaining about how I wasn't given even more--it's a funny thing, isn't it, how we even can have such whingeing that allows us to convince ourselves it's unfair that someone else has been unreasonably bestowed something that we hadn't, 'cause ultimately all these gifts were undeserved or unearned in a way?
But increasingly, I also realize that beyond being thankful for what I have, it is of similarly paramount importance that I actually behave in accordance to holding that belief. And so that includes striving to not let all these unreasonable bestowments go to waste, both towards creating the life I want to lead and also giving to others who have been in severe lack of such unreasonable bestowments that they have perhaps even been unreasonably denied certain basic rights. (Though of course it might be debated if there objectively truly exists things we naturally deserve, I do believe there are at least a few)
