sudden craving for hot dumpling soup

though i'm far from being hungry and even if a bowl of it miraculously appeared i probably wouldn't have the appetite to touch it either.

i'm so so sorry and i think this nonsense is really largely my fault, for being in denial this long a stretch. never thought i'd be thus constrained and affected by some ingrained beliefs. just can't shake free of them; they must have become a part of my psyche already.

and today i realised that all this may be happening simply 'cause i don't trust myself enough. if someone can't trust himself to begin with, that person likely also wouldn't be able to trust others significantly enough, right?


i really don't like the person i've turned into. & it's pretty darn depressing (not to mention pathetic) to not like yourself..